Thank you, Jimmy. As a mother of two, which I am not, I worry about the lack of positive role models for today's young girls. For example, Britney Spears caused controversy last month when she wore this skimpy outfit at MTV's Video Music Awards. Critics called the outfit inappropriate and say it's just another example of Hollywood sexualizing young girls. But I say, ladies, give it up. Britney's ass looks good. Look at that ass. That is a cherry bomb. You gotta look at that thing through a hole in a paper plate. Britney, in about five years that whole area is gonna blow, so enjoy it now. Have it photographed as much as possible. Rub it with fine oils and liniments. You will miss it when it's gone. And, as for whether or not those are breast implants are not.. Britney was on our show last year, I worked with her.. and, to me, her breasts felt completely real.
Jimmy: What did you say? you said they "felt real"?
Tina: No.

Prostitutes in Lyons, France sent a fax to the government to complain that they are losing business to Eastern European women who are protected by the Albanian mafia. Okay, first of all, how rough-looking are these French prostitutes that all their customers are running to the Albanians? Secondly, why did they send a fax, and from whence? Do they have a fax machine in the whorehouse, or did they all trundle down to Kinko's - "You fax these, I'll let you shave me." Thirdly, how come French whores know how to work a fax machine, but every time I try to use it, I hit Power Save, or I forget to dial 9.. This just proves what my boyfriend always says - that I am dumber than a French whore.

Tonight Playboy founder Hugh Hefner will celebrate his 75th birthday. At Hefner's side will be his seven girlfriends.. Stephanie, Tiffany, Regina, Cathy, Kimberly, Buffy and of course (points to one of the girls)Tina. Because wherever two or more whores are gathered, there's always a Tina. Now...Thanks mom. Now, when I first saw these women I thought the same thing we all did. What has happened to Affirmative Action in this country? Hefner's dating seven blonde, white woman Not a blonde pubic hair among them might I add. Not a pubic hair among them. C'mon though seven blondes? There's not a hot Asian woman you can throw in there? A light skinned black woman? A deaf brunette? Something, where's the diversity? When are we going to have a Hefner Herram that looks like America? Am I really to believe that these women, each of them, offer you something unique? Let's go over them if you will. This one is 19, ok. Two months ago she was working at Dairy Queen, now she's out clubbing it with Bill Maher and Don Adams. Is she better off? It's hard to say. This one, this one isn't even trying. I'm actually very disappointed in this one. What is that a man's shirt? You are the weakest link-GOODBYE! This one, this one doesn't even have a name anymore..she's just girl. She's basically just there because she knows CPR. This one, ok this one is always next to him, always holding his hand. She a numba one girlfriend! At 28 Tina is the oldest and has a two-year-old son. Oh that must be a wonderful way to grow up, playing 'fetch the ash tray' with James Caan and the Grotto. While your mom's upstairs praying for the Viagara to wear off so she can get you to the orthodontist on time. Fantastic. These two..these two are like this sometimes they're like this. And this one, clearly this one is willing to do something the others will not do. Whatever the filthiest thing you can think of..it's a little worse than that and she'll let you photograph her doing it. Gotta be the reason she's there. But y'know what you can't condemn these woman because at least they work together they support each other and how many woman can say that right? And these women aren't doing it for the money. They're doing it because they were molested by a family friend. I solute you Hefner ladies. You are making it work! Back to you Jimmy!

"On Monday, Attorney General John Ashcroft issued a terrorism warning, advising all Americans to be on high alert this week. On Friday, he announces that the period of high alert may be extended indefinitely. I think I speak for all Americans when I say: Bitch, I can't be anymore alert than I already am. I'm opening my mail with salad tongs, I take my passport in the shower with me, I'm watching so much CNN that I'm having sex dreams about Wolf Blitzer. How about this? You stay on high alert, and I'll go freeze my head like Walt Disney and you can wake me up when all of this is over, alright?"

First of all the Bush administraton released the newest Osama bin Laden tape, which, if you haven't seen it, it's like a cross between a boring wedding video and every nightmare you've ever had. It's on video, rent that one. Israel and Palestine are getting worse and worse every day. These people hate each other so much that they are fighting over a piece of land the size of a Wendy's. The're fighting over a piece of land so small, they could only have an above-ground pool on it. piece of dirt so little, that if you found it inyor salad, you wouldn't even send it back. It's crazy. And then on Wednesday, George Bush pulled out of the 1972 Anti-Ballistic Policy, a decision Russia is calling a "big mistake". But it's not a mistake - we've got that cool missile defense system, that thing's ready to go, right? No? It's not? They haven't invented it yet? Oh, they could never do it, it's impossible? Oh, great. Then, they find more anthrax in Washington, in a place they had already "de-thraxed." Guess they're not as good as cleaning out the "thrax" as they thought they were! Good thing we never found any anthrax in this building... oh wait, we totally did! So anyway, I'm going to sleep now. Good night! [lays head down on newsdesk] Back to you, Jimmy.

With security tightened at U.S. airports, many travelers say that security pat downs are too intimate and intrusive, and are going too far, even among flight crews. One stewardess reported that, while being given a pat down, the hand of the female security guard cupped her breast, then lingered there before slowly moving down to explore her hard, taut belly. She became flushed as the woman's hot breath filled her ear, while she slipped her other hand under her skirt, meandering up her thigh, until she found what she had been looking for ... [cut to Please Stand By sign]
Jimmy: Wow, that was a great joke...
Tina: Don't touch me anymore.

According to financial reporters the Enron Corporation paid no income taxes in 4 of the 5 years. Apparently for the last 5 years, Enron had its taxes done by Willy Nelson. You know, I've been reading about this story all week and I've figured out that Republicans are geniuses. 'Cause they keep they're scandals so incredibly boring, that people will stop paying attention to them. Democratic scandals have words like "fondle," "intern" and "murder." Republican scandals have words like "oversight subcommittee chairman," and "partially exempted multilateral platforms" Come on, it's so boring! Basically the Enron executives ran off with hundreds of millions of dollars and let their employees lose all of their life savings. Its like basic bad guy stuff. Like tying a lady to railroad tracks or like trying to destroy the world with a laser beam. They are like the Cassidines. So Enron had all of these to avoid taxes. They had 692 subsidiaries on the Cayman Islands. "What do you do for a living man?" "I braid the white girls hair by the cruise ship, I sell a little weed, then on the weekends, me a CEO of a subsidiary Enron." Now Enron's accounting firm, Arthur Andersen, is in trouble because they destroyed a months worth of Enron's documents. Ok, in this day and age can you possibly not know that if you shred documents your gonna get into trouble! It's like if your girlfriend says, "hey- lets go on the Jenny Jones show. I have a surprise for you." How can you not know that's bad? It's not gonna be good! Then on Friday, Enron fired Arthur Anderson as their accounting agency. That's gotta be a blow, being fired buy a totally bankrupt company. It's like Tom Green divorcing Drew Barrymore. You know Drew was like "Oh really, so your getting rid of me? That's amazing." Ok, so now the government is investigating the whole thing. John Ashcroft has recused himself because Enron donated money to his campaign. Same thing with President Bush, Dick Chaney, Joe Lieberman accused himself now, the commerce secretary, the treasury secretary. Basically, the only person in the country without any kind of tie to Enron is that kid from the Dell Computer Company commercials. But I'm pretty sure Steve will get to the bottom of it, because he's a very bright boy. Back to you Jimmy.

President Bush was criticized this week for not having a clear stance on the Middle East crisis. You know what? Good! The only people with a very 'clear stance' on the Middle East are the crazy people in the Middle East. I've had it with all of them. Yasser Arafat, don't talk to us in English and say , "I agree to a ceasefire," and then turn around in Arabic and be like, "Hassan, lets do this!" We're onto you. We've got like 2 bilingual CIA guys now, so we know what you're saying! And Sharon, when you are storming West Bank towns and bulldozing people's homes, try not to look like ya love it. Cause you kinda look like you love it. And it's only gonna get worse, cause now, when Palestinians blow themselves up, Saddam Hussein will send their families $25,000. That's a lot of money to these people. They don't have game shows over there. They don't have Fear Factor. Palestinians would clean up on Fear Factor, by the way. They would do very well on Fear Factor. But they don't have it.. So today, President Bush had clarified his world views, saying, "you're either with us, or with the terrorists." Or, you're with the terrorists, but you have oil (Kuwait), or, you're with us, but you hate us (Egypt), or, you're with us, but you fund all the terrorism in the world (Saudi Arabia), or you're 100% with the terrorists, except for one little guy in charge (Pakistan), or you're with us, but you can't really help us (Iceland), or you're with the terrorists, with each other, against us, even though you hate each other (Iraq and Iran). Back to you, Jimmy.

The cover story of New York magazine this week is "Baby Panic". This goes perfectly with the other magazines on my coffee table. "Where are the babies?", "Why haven't you had a baby?" and "For god's sake have a baby!" Thanks Time magazine this is just what I need, another article so depressing that I can actually hear my ovaries curling up. According to author Sylvia Hewlitt a career woman shouldn't wait to have a baby because our fertility takes a steep drop off after age 27. And Sylvia's right, I definately should have had a baby at age 27, living in Chicago, over a biker bar, pulling down a cool twelve grand a year that would have worked out great! But Sylvia's message is basically that feminism can't change nature which is true. If feminism could change nature Ruth Bater Ginsburg would be all oiled up on the cover of Maxim, but she's not. Ladies, there's no reason to panic though ok, it's out of your control anyway..either your cooter works or it doesn't. My mom had me when she was 40, and this was back in the 70's when the only "fertility aid" was Harvey's Bristol Cream. So waiting is just a risk that I'm just gonna have to take. And I don't think I could do fertility drugs because to me, six half pound translucent babies is not a miracle-it's gross! I'd rather adopt a baby.. I don't need a kid that looks like me.. I was not a cute kid. I looked like a cross between that chick from the Indigo girls.. and the other chick from the Indigo Girls..not cute a cute kid. Dratch, Poehler, Maya.. how do you feel about author Sylvia Hewlitt?

Rachel, Maya, Amy: We hate Sylvia Hewlitt!
Rachel: Yeah, Sylvia thanks for reminding me that I have to hurry up and have a baby. Me and my four cats will get right on this!
Amy: My neighbor has this adorable cute little Chinese baby that speaks Italian.. so y'know I'll just buy one of those!
Maya: Yeah, Sylvia maybe your next book should tell guys our age to stop playing Grand Theft Auto 3 and holding out for the chick from Alias.
Tina: yeah you're not gonna get the chick from Alias.
Maya: So why don't you just shut up and put a baby in here.
Tina: Yeah just put a baby in there!
Amy: You guys wanna go and stare at Ana some more?
Maya & Dratch: Yeah, ok.
Tina: Back to you Jimmy!

"Leonard Nimoy pulled out of a fundraiser for the Jewish Federation of Greater Seattle this month, when he learned organizers wanted to censor some of his photos of naked women. Finally! Someone willing to stand up to the Jewish Federation of Greater Seattle! Your reign of tyranny is over, Jewish Federation of Greater Seattle! [stands on newsdesk] Thanks to Leonard Nimoy, Seattle and its surrounding suburbs will now walk free! From Kirkland to Bremerton! From the streets of Silverdale to the majestic highland of Richmond, the people of the great northwest will never again feel the oppressive thumb of the Jewish Federation of Greater Seattle! Residents of Yakima and Maple Valley, arise and be free! The Jewish Federation of Greater Seattle is your oppressors no more!" [walks straight into the audience]

Okay, the top story tonight: Saddam Hussein re-elected himself President of Iraq this week, and he claims the election results were 11 million to 0, with 100% turnout. So, first of all: eugh, he voted for himself; and, secondly: really, Saddam? 100% voter turnout? Nobody overslept and forgot to vote, in the whole country? Nobody ate some bad lamb the night before, and got a bad case of the hajij and couldn't get up all day? Nobody had to work a double-shift at the smallpox factory? Really? Good for you. Then, on Thursday, North Korea admitted that they have also been secretly developing nuclear weapons, but we're gonna handle that problem diplomatically. So, why are we handling North Korea differently than Iraq? Because they're two very different guys. Anyone with kids will tell that you discipine your younger child much differently than you discipline your older, North Korean child, who has a nuclear bomb. And don't forget - Saddam Hussein tried to kill George Bush's dad. Don't underestimate how much that would piss you off if that were you, okay? Saddam tried to kill his dad. People have turned into superheroes over less, right? So, in conclusion, who should solve the North Korean problem? How about any country but us? France, you've got a lot of opinions - go over there. You'll love North Korea, it's completely devoid of Jews! alright? Come on, France; less talk, more rock. Back to you, Jimmy.

When Al Gore realized he still had a chance in Florida Tuesday, he called George W. Bush at 3 30 in the morning to withdrawal his concession, saying, "Circumstances have changed." Bush replied, " Unbelievable, lemme make sure I understand, your taking back your concession?" Gore then said," Well you dont have to be snippy." To which Bush replied, "Jeb has assured me we have Florida." To which Gore responded, " Let me explain something, your younger brother is not the ultimate authority on this." To which Bush said, "You conceded, no take backs, no do overs." And Gore was like, "I had my fingers crossed." And Bush was all like, "I'm not tryin' to hear that, see?" And then Gore was like, "Oh no you didnt" Yeah, and then Gore hung up on Bush, and Bush totally star 69ed him and was like, "I know where you're at, I got your number on my caller id." And now Jimmy, there like not even speaking, which is like really awkward for me, cuz im friends with both of them....
Jimmy: That's so unfair that they put you in that position."
Tina: I KNOW, right? Well, back to you..."

Oh, Isreal! You know we're friends! Ugh! This is not the time! Uggghhh!

This week, the FAA shut down a terminal at Kennedy Airport because security workers were not using the metal detectors properly. And at O'Hare, a man with 7 knives, a stun-gun and a can of mase passed a security check point. I just want to take a minute to address the airport security personnel directly, if I might:
I know you guys only make, like, 7 dollars an hour, and you're worried about being replaced by Federal employees, but ... seriously, you have got to get it together! You have got to focus up! Okay? So, here's what I propose: the first airport employee that successfully catches a terrorist, Jimmy and I will throw a pizza party for you and up to 20 of your friends. Isn't that right, Jimmy?
Jimmy: Absolutely.
Tina: Think about that. Think about this. It's all the pizza you can eat. Up to 20 of your friends. There's no kind of limit on the kind of toppings you can have... Jimmy, Is there a limit on the toppings?
Jimmy: No.
Tina: No. Okay? If you wanna get al plain pizzas, great.
Jimmy: Get half plain, half pepperoni. That's cool with us.
Tina: That's fine. If you wanna get ham and pineapple, I think that's weird, but, whatever, you know?
Jimmy: You eat it.
Tina: That's the kind of freedom that makes this country great. Will I pay for cheesy bread?
Jimmy & Tina: No!
Tina: That's not the deal.
Jimmy: Don't be greedy!
Tina: It's a pizza party, okay? Don't try to take advantage of us. Also, don't be a jerk. If you only have like, 15 good friends that like pizza, don't scrape up 5 other people just to make it more expensive for us.
Jimmy: I wanna have a good time, too. Don't bring a bunch of creeps.
Tina: Yeah. It's called "Weekend Update Strikes Back...
Jimmy: ... Pizza Party Against Terrorism."
Tina: Think about this. So, if you love pizza, and you hate terrorism, get your head out of your ass, and get all up in Momar's carry-on. Back to you, America. No? Us? Okay, back to you.

The fashion show featured the heavenly star bra, which cost $2.5 million, with matching diamond-encrusted thong panties for $750,000. Thanks, Victoria's Secret, but the only way I'm putting $750,000 worth of diamonds in my ass is if the Nazis are coming.

Earlier this week, the L.A. Police Department searched the home of Paul Reubens, better known as Pee Wee Herman, and confiscated his collection of vintage erotica, which included paintings and photographs. So let me understand this- now Pee Wee Herman can't even masturbate in his own house? Where would America be comfortable with Pee Wee masturbating? Do you want him to go to a sterile room in a hospital, or like the Space Shuttle? Should he buy a mobile home and bury it under the ground? Just tell us, and we'll pass the information onto him, because, if there's one thing I've learned from working with all of these guys: he's not gonna stop doing it! They do it, alright. It's true. Men masturbate all the time! Right, Jimmy? Back to you.
Jimmy: Rarely, if ever

Jimmy: Jennifer Aniston suffered minor injuries after getting into a car accident in Hollywood. The other driver had his car totaled, but on the upside, he gets to tell his friends that he rear-ended Jennifer Aniston.
Tina: Oh no you didn't ...
Jimmy: OH SNAP!!! ...

Ari Fleisher apologized this week for statements that implied that Bill Clinton's failed peace plan was to blame for the current mideast violence. What is wrong with the Republicans? Let's go over the Clinton administration again.
[shows picture of Monica Lewinsky]
He did this.
[picture of violence and war]
He didn't do this.
[picture of Monica Lewinsky]
He did this.
[Enron picture]
He didn't do this.
[picture of Monica Lewinsky]
He did this.
[Dow Jones chart]
He didn't do this.
[picture of Monica Lewinsky]
He did this.
[picture of Hillary Clinton]
He did not do this.

Bill Clinton revealed this week in News Week that he is getting a new Chocolate Lab to replace his dog "Buddy." Bill says with Hillary away in Washington, he just needs another bitch in the house. Oh no, I didn't!
Jimmy: Oh, snap! Yes, you did!
Tina: Oh snap! Oka- (Tina breaks down)
Jimmy: Uh oh. I think the Robot Tina broke down. Maintenance? Chris? I think the battery went down. (Stage hand takes "Robot Tina" away) Can we get another "Robot Tina"? Thanks. Sorry, folks. We usually get this taken care of during dress rehearsal. (Tina returns with a plastic bag over her head. Jimmy removes the plastic bag from Tina's head)
Tina: (Tina loads up) Playboy is running a a spread of the Women of Enron. Come on! These women have lost their jobs, their retirement plans, and now they have to lose all but this much of their pubic hair? Come on, people. Playgirl magazine is planning a spread called the Men of Enron. Editors say that Enron seems like a perfect match for the magazine, which is known for photos of collapsing firms.